Main Street Nashville
NASHVILLE WEATHER
physicians-mutual-dental-insurance-banners

Friends aren’t supportive after sexual assault




DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like my friends are victim-blaming me for my sexual assault. I was sexually assaulted by my personal trainer a few months ago, and needless to say, it was a traumatic experience for me. I confided in my friends about it before taking any other actions, and they pretty much questioned me more than my attacker. They asked me why I didn’t report him immediately and even blamed my “skimpy” workout clothes for why he would’ve assaulted me. I’m so hurt and shocked. Is this a good enough reason to cut off all communication with my friends? — Trainee

DEAR TRAINEE: I am so sorry that the assault happened to you and that your friends haven’t been supportive. First things first: Make sure that you have alerted the proper authorities — which should include the police and your trainer’s employer. Find out if there is anyone who is part of the gym or business that employs him who may have insights into this man’s behavior. You may also need character witnesses who can vouch for you. Think about that.

As far as your friends are concerned, lie low for now. Perhaps they mean well, but their comments aren’t helpful. Honestly, it shouldn’t matter what you wear; a personal trainer should not be attempting to take advantage of you based on your attire. Too many people hesitate to report abuse even though an early report can sometimes make the journey easier.

Rather than walking away from your friends, talk to them. Tell them how disappointed you are that they have not been supportive. Tell them you need their support. Then observe to see who steps up. That’s who you want to have your back. You can release the others — at least in your mind.

If you feel like you need to talk to someone, you can always call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673).

DEAR HARRIETTE: No one seems to respect the fact that I work full time. I get calls from my friends and family at all hours of the day for absolutely no reason. They will ask me to meet them places or do them favors that would require me to go out of my way, and they don’t understand that I’m working and don’t have time to run errands for them. I’m trying not to take it the wrong way, but I feel like they just don’t respect or understand the fact that I’m an adult with a job. What should I do? — Real Job

DEAR REAL JOB: You have to set boundaries for yourself and your loved ones. Just because they call does not mean that you have to answer. That’s why voicemail exists. Speak to each person the next time they call — if you are available — and tell them what your work hours are. Explain that, shy of an emergency, you cannot talk to them during that time. Then reinforce your boundaries by ignoring their entreaties.

At the end of the day, check your messages and get in touch with the people you want to talk to. You do not need to spend all evening catching up with everyone. Put boundaries around your life to allow yourself to thrive.

Email Harriette at askharriette@harriettecole.com

Leave a Reply