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Embracing ‘benign neglect’




A few weeks ago, my daughter and I bought a $3 watermelon plant on a whim and planted it directly in the ground just for fun. We were gone last week, and to be honest, I hadn’t paid any attention to this plant because I didn’t expect anything to come from it. But to my delight, I found two baby watermelons growing on the vines one morning. Due to my literal “benign neglect,” my watermelon plant was growing fruit!

I use the term “benign neglect” because this is the term my mother lovingly uses when she describes how I was raised. If you look up the definition of this term, it basically states that this is when you don’t give something attention so that it will grow or benefit as a result (paraphrased). I would say this definitely describes my mother’s parenting style. She was not a “hover mother.” She usually let me fail on my own, and she did not show up to save me when I needed assistance, unless it was life or death, and let’s face it, it never really was. She usually just let me figure things out on my own. As a result, I learned how to entertain myself early on and I like to think I became a top-notch problem solver.

I also became pretty independent as a result of her benign neglect. When I was 23, my mother drove with me to California when I decided to move west. She didn’t try to talk me out of it, although it was probably helpful that I had already secured a job. We had a great trip, but when we got there, she left me there to figure things out on my own. In hindsight, I see that she was supportive without controlling me or making my decisions.

So here I am, a fairly successful grown woman with kids of my own. I’m also someone who survived and maybe even thrived under “benign neglect.”

Seeing my watermelons growing on their own reminded me of my own personal struggle as a parent. I want my children to be happy and thrive, and I don’t want them to ever be hurt. But lately, I’ve stepped back in order for them to do some learning on their own. Just this past year, I decided to let my son fail. If he didn’t get his homework done, he faced the natural consequences of a bad grade or a demerit. If he forgot his shorts for PE, he wore pants.

It has been difficult to let go, and I know to some I may look like a neglectful parent, but it is benign neglect I’m practicing. I believe I’ve planted the seeds of support for my kids, but as they get older I’m trying to step back to give them the space they need to grow. And if my watermelon plant is any indication, I think benign neglect may just be the way to go.

Aimee Dukes is a licensed psychologist practicing in Nashville and a partner at Nashville Psychological Assessment and Learning Associates. She is also an adjunct assistant professor at Vanderbilt University. She earned a Ph.D. from Tennessee State University and an M.Ed. at Vanderbilt University. Dukes has expertise in the areas of assessment and cognitive behavior therapy. Her favorite subjects to teach at both the undergraduate and graduate level are social psychology and marriage and family. Dukes lives in Nashville with her husband, a Nashville songwriter, her two children and their family dog.

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